


In Your Hands

by MissMarionette



Series: Sorry to Bother You, But My Heart is Breaking (Solas x Lavellan) [2]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, F/M, First Time, Love Confessions, Memories, Mildly Dubious Consent, Monologue, POV First Person, Reluctant Inquisitor, Self Confidence Issues, Self Slut-Shaming, Shyness, Vaginal Fingering, i mean for now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-21 20:31:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16583630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissMarionette/pseuds/MissMarionette
Summary: Tallin ruminates on the first time Solas and her acted upon their urges. It hadn't been her original intent toseducehim on that fateful day, she swears by the gods it hadn't..





	In Your Hands

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Alexis_Trvlyn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexis_Trvlyn/gifts).



> This was already half-formed, but after discovering a Solavellan story of a similar tone and a similarly inclined Inquisitor, [Dissonant Verses: Carrion for Crows](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15855573/chapters/36932709), I was ultimately inspired to keep thinking up stuff for this particular playthrough. I hope it's enjoyed.
> 
> Edit: [Ref pic for Tallin](https://i.imgur.com/Y60aRiw.jpg) (~￣▽￣)~

  
I still think about it, the first time you touched me. In bed, I mean.

It's shameful, I know, to hold it so close, to value it like I do. But I can't let it go, I can't.

I still don't know what I did that inspired you to do such a thing. All I know is that we were in the rotunda and I said something and then your eyes seemed to darken.

I was naive: I mistook it for anger, and I winced and looked away. As was habit when I was nervous, I began to gnaw on the second knuckle of my pointer finger. "Ah, sorry, if I said something wrong..I mean.." I murmured, my voice dying helplessly.

I heard you inhale, sharp. You pushed yourself off from the cluttered surface of your research table, rounded one of its corners and walked—stalked—no you didn't, you didn't frighten me, you wouldn't hurt me, I didn't mean to i-imply—no, I trust you, only you— _walked_ up to me until we were only inches apart. My chest paused in its breath as I looked up into your face with unsure eyes and watched as your hard expression dissipated like storm clouds breaking away from the horizon. Somehow your features, strong and regal—like a prince, like a prince, you are like a prince but more than that!—could shift so subtly from stone to skin, tense and soften.

But stone, yes, stone was replaced by _teacher_ , yes, teacher. Your eyes glanced down to my mouth and you gently took my finger from it. I let you, blushing hard in embarrassment, stammering out a weak apology. For what? For what. Was it exhausting, having to take care of me like this all the time? Having to mind me because I was not suited towards all - all of this?

"There are better ways to work off nerves, _da'len_." You intoned smoothly before lifting it to your own mouth to kiss the abrasions. Your lips were soft, warm, and I suddenly found myself wanting them on mine, but you had called me "da'len" and I felt shame overrule and flood me. It would be wrong to pursue you, to entertain such a childish need, when you were wearing the robe of mentor. Incestuous.  
  
You continued to speak, the sound far away like an echo. "Would you allow me to join you in your chambers?"

I swear to you I didn't know what you meant at first, I swear. Please believe me. I'm not..like _that_ , I never - I never planned—! I-I didn't me-I didn't mean to entice you in that way. It was never my intent. Never. I - if you thought that, then - then, aha, you must think me smarter than I am. No, no I'm not...

I hadn't read the mood correctly. Would you think less of me if I said I was happy that I was wrong? About what eventually occurred?

* * *

  
My heart had lodged itself in my throat.

I was terrified, and you were so patient, so quiet, so gentle.

With trepidation I climbed the steps to my quarters with you following silently behind. I sensed a quiet energy from you, a sense of purpose that I was afraid to identify by name.

You did not assail me or sweep me off my feet when we got to the top of the stairs and rounded the banister. I would have screamed in fear, I think, and your plans would have been ruined. I surprise others before they surprise me because it is all too easy for them to do so. It's the reason why I tried to avoid Cole the first few weeks, you know.

I stood with my hands squeezed tightly at my sides, trying to remain calm, trying to take deep breaths as quietly as possible. Pressure on my sternum, against my cheeks, on the top of my head.

There was fear, there was real fear when you lifted my chin and quietly asked me if I would like to try out a method for relaxation.

It was at that point that I almost surely knew what you meant, and while one bubble in my chest began to quietly deflate—disappointment, another began to quietly swell—excitement, and yet another one quickly alongside it, nervousness.

Your smile did me no favors. Inviting and open and genial and with just a shade of mischief, the same darkness in your eyes that I now recognized as _lust_ , not anger. I swallowed, parted my mouth to speak, and decided that I should kiss you instead.

It became another reason why I've come to the conclusion that I am insane.

* * *

  
I found myself in bed with you, us lying side by side, you leaning over me to cup my face and brush at my hair while we kissed. We kissed so much that my lips began to numb.

You met my mouth with staid practice. Before you I had never kissed anyone the way we did, and you taught me how to project my pleasure, my enjoyment of the act, to my partner. Giving in the act of receiving.

I wanted us to stay just like that, forever. Immature of me, foolish, but...

You didn't remove all my clothes, but did coax me out of my jacket.

Your other hand began to roam across my body, stroking down my side, my arm, my thigh. It didn't scare me, it didn't grope or demand but seemed to smooth over what I possessed, what seemed to attract you to me for some reason. Even though it was innocent, I felt heat pool between my legs. I tried so hard not to shift, not to let you know I was being affected so easily, that I was so _desperate_ for us to be together like this.

  
You asked permission if you could touch me beneath my clothes. When I hesitated you kissed my forehead and said it was alright if I said no, you were perfectly fine with just this. You weren't. No man is. No man, no elf, no dwarf can possibly be fine with 'just this'.

And I wanted to, wanted to give you everything, to prove I trusted you, to show how much I loved you because I couldn't..I can't think of a better way..than to let you take from me, take everything you wanted. That's love, isn't it? Isn't it? Right? I had taken so much from you. Your attention, your time, your patience, your patience, your patience. You had early on established yourself as the fourth unmentioned adviser to the Inquisition, to me, and I never even asked.

But was this all a personal test by you? To see if I could ignore the heat in my cheeks and my loins that only served to distract me from the Breach? To determine if I would dirty myself by indulging in such base desires while you remained pure as a spirit, above such things..would I cut myself off from you like a blood mage from the Fade?..what would happen if I said 'yes'? Tempter, exam proctor, parent.

I didn't know what answer you wanted. I didn't know.

But I said yes, and you hesitated, asked if I was sure. I didn't expect you to ask a second time, I wasn't prepared...

"Please.." I whispered, "please..."

Your eyes were so kind. They reminded me of Mother. Gods, I am sick, depraved.

You slid your arm beneath my neck as you loomed over me, looked down upon me.

Your rightful place, rightful place.

You brushed a strand of hair from my pink face, traced the vallaslin that committed me to Dirthamen with your thumb, and asked me to open my mouth. I did and you slipped your tongue inside without resistance. I thought at the time this was how it should be.

You swallowed down my gasp and tolerated the way trembling fingers gripped the home-spun fabric on your shoulders when your hand quietly slipped inside my smallclothes.

Against my cheek you murmured, "Breathe, _vhen'an_. I won't hurt you."

 _I know_ , I remember thinking, _I know it won't, but - but you are about to - to - touch - to touch—_

Your fingers, pressed together, swept down in one motion, and in surprise I jolted as the act served to spread around the warm wetness I didn't realize had begun to collect between my legs.

I shook and shivered beneath you as terror and panic and pleasure and excitement swirled within me.

_I wasn't ready..._

_..yet I wanted this.._

_I've waited so long.._

_But for_ what?

You picked up on the fearful note that stung a whimper I then let out, and you disengaged yourself from sucking on my buzzing tongue. You did not hide your concern and bemusement. "What is wrong, _vhen'an_? Tell me."

How could I when I wasn't even rightly sure?

An old spark of mischief flashed in your eyes, then. I tried not to flinch. "Have you never touched yourself in this manner before?" You stroked up and down a few more times, slow and firm and heavy. Lewd sounds of slippery skin against slippery skin. Your teeth found my ear, nibbled.

"N-no, ne-never.."

A pleased hum. "Yet your body is so hungry for it." Why did you consider that a good thing? I don't understand.

You continued to purr similar, embarrassing things as you teased my body. Of how  _slick_ I was, of how your fingers were absolutely _drenched_ , of how it would do me good if we were to schedule these sorts of _private meetings_ more often. "I think twice a day would be sufficient, wouldn't you say?" Your thumb brushed up against what you later informed me was my clitoris and my hips bucked high, a shock of pleasure I didn't know was possible flaring up like a firecracker in my brain as I gasped. 

You chuckled darkly and I wondered if I had been caught in a trap.

If I was, I didn't know how to escape.

If I was, I didn't know if I  _could._   

So for what seemed like years we listened to the heavy rhythm of my breathing as your fingers slowly circled upon that small bead. Such a simple motion, like stirring the surface of a pool of water. Every so often two sparks within me connected to make an overwhelming twinge of pleasure that had me momentarily stiffening with a silent gasp; your arm would tighten around me as a reminder that it was you and no one else here.

I wanted to curl up into a ball and hide from your gaze, and you must have intuited my lingering hesitation because your hand then gradually picked up speed. I began to whimper louder as you played with this part of me, and in pushing against it, you repeatedly lifted my lower body up briefly into the air. It was if I was being controlled by a puppeteer. It stole my breath, truly. I had never felt this before, I told you. I couldn't..couldn't _stop_. I don't think you wanted me to. 

I was terrified of how swiftly my modesty was slipping away but...I wanted this. How needy and desperate had I been for this sort of touch? From you? No one else. I still can't pinpoint when the thought of you being a partner to me in this secret, private way was conceived.

But even then, how could I have told you that the one you called _da'len_ —the one you were now calling _vhen'an_ —had pined for you for some time, since near the beginning. How could I have told you of her initial efforts to strip her heart of tainting weeds out of fear they would rot away the bond of elder and pupil, of how after a time her hand purposely faltered, her eyes were consciously shielded by her hand and she allowed them to grow untouched until they had bore thick, confusing roots that constricted and choked.

I turned my head to find refuge in your chest, to hide my shame. I thought I could calm myself with the scent that clung to your sweater—moss, old papers, something metal that settled on my tongue. I thought I could somehow will away the throbbing, the ball of heat that had long since nestled deep in my hips and only seemed to grow larger with your efforts. I was so embarrassed, so so so embarrassed of how - how - how—I can barely say it, even now— _wet_ I was, how _obvious_ and pathetic.

But if I didn't see your face, I could pretend it was my hand, even though I had never touched myself in such a way before. Do you believe me? It's true. I swear. You were my first in everything. Everything.

Despite wanting, despite wanting wanting wanting, I held my body as stiff as I could, mortified that it was so easily responding like this to you, lewd and begging. Self-control, that's what you always preached, what you always practiced. You never drank more than a glass at meal times, you did not return cruelty with cruelty, you rarely if ever spoke in anger.

I was failing. You were measured and precise in your touches, your breathing hadn't changed its pace, not by much, and yet I had begun fraying immediately from less than nothing. I was failing in my desire to avoid being seen as indulgent, fulsome even though I wanted this, wanted this so much.

'What are you afraid of, Tallin?" You spoke directly into my ear, husky in its warm darkness. Wicked promises, intentions, that were forming as I breathed. You were transforming just as I was. Something stiff was pressing against my outer thigh, something frightening and strange. In the back of my mind, dread began to fall and fill like black blood.

I had been turning you, tempting you all this time, hadn't I? Had I? I never - I never intended - _I'm so sorry-_

"Do not apologize," I winced at your scolding tone, and then whimpered when I realized I had spoken that apology out loud. "Never apologize when we're like this." 

I tried to explain, I tried so hard, but you proceeded to interrupt my train of thought with expertly-timed swirls around my clitoris. It seemed every time I was about to complete a word your middle finger was there to press down and wiggle on that small bud like you were worrying a string on a zither fret, persisting until I abandoned my efforts to speak. "Should-ohh-dn't - I shou—ahh, should—aah! You—mmm! I'm sor-ahh, so- ahaaah ahh! Ahh! Ahh!!"

You managed to make yourself heard over my moans, your tone lilting now with compassion. "You have not been honest with me or yourself since we began." Your hand paused as you leaned down to tenderly kiss away my frustrated tears. "Don't hide yourself, Tallin. This is alright, you are allowed to feel this. There is no shame in it."

I felt my face twist up and I brought my hand up to prevent a sob from escaping. How were you always able to pin despair and graciousness to my heart?

I found myself whispering, babbling really. "You're giving..you're always giving..I - I'm - I can't.." The words died. I couldn't save them.

You held my face and kissed me. Against my lips you implored, "Tell me."

My teeth were chattering, yet my face burned, felt so hot I was surprised I wasn't steaming. "—I'm afraid, I'm _afraid_ that - that—"

Kiss. "Tell me."

" _I_ _love you, Solas._ I love you, but I..."

Kiss. " _Tell_ _me_."

I didn't. Not everything. Not even a sliver of anything. I couldn't. I tried, please believe me when I say I tried.

"Please, pl-please, please Solas, _pl-e-ase_..do you feel the same? Truly? I love you so much and I can't—please, I need to know. I can't - I can't - I'm not like this - it's only you - the one I want. I love you, IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou.." I sucked in a lungful of air, yet it didn't seem to make any difference. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't  _breathe_. "..so mu-u-ch. So much. And I _trust_ you but—"

"But?" Soft and smooth.

"Don't—" My hands clenched, my jaw practically creaked as I crushed down what felt like the birth of a hysterical wail before it could leave my mouth. _"Please_. Don't do this if you don't feel the same. Please."

You listened—you always listen—as I threw out what I could to make you understand. I didn't think, then and now, that I did myself justice. It has crossed my mind that you would be here right now holding me had I said nothing...I don't eat much anymore for fear of retching at the idea.

You stared in that way of yours, that gravely serious way that felt like your eyes were chisels and I was a block of stone to be broken to pieces. Not breaking my gaze, you took one of my hands—your fingers were wet, the scent of _me_ now wafted in the air—and guided it to your crotch. I couldn't help it, I shuddered. My hand trembled as it registered through the fabric how hard you were. This part of you that remained obscure, that I knew of in vague theory but not practice. 

"I do." you answered. "This—" you pressed my hand harder against yourself and I was struck by the heat that emanated from it, "—is but one symptom of many. Believe me, for both our sakes, when I say I love you. Deeply. Truly."

You kissed away the new set of tears that then began to fall, ones of overwhelming relief.

"Oh, S-Solas, I—" and in my effort to better find your mouth, I unthinkingly pressed the heel of my hand against your groin for leverage. It was clumsy of me, and the growl in your throat made me shrink back. I had never heard you make that sound before, guttural and low, animalistic. You turned away and closed your eyes tightly, working your jaw as if mentally overcoming some indescribable pain.

I retracted my hand as if burned. "I'm sorry," I whispered quickly, "did I—"

"No!" I recoiled from the severity of your voice, the harshness it bore upon me. Near-fatal silence except for the sound of you taking air into your lungs. Fighting off something, something I had caused..

Before the pieces could fall into place—did you ever find my ignorance insufferable?—your face smoothed over, consternation dripping away. "I am alright." A rueful smile that didn't quite reach your eyes as you tipped your chin down to look back at me. "One day I will teach you how to reciprocate your feelings, if you so desire.." As you spoke your face hardened again into a predatory facade, the one that still sends chills down my spine when I think back on this time. "..tonight, however, I devote myself solely to your deserved pleasure."

And with that you once again crashed your mouth against mine and now there was urgency, almost desperation. Had you wanted to prove your altruism that badly? 

There came the time to slip my breeches and smallclothes down from my hips. I did it without looking, too focused on maintaining the series of kisses that gave me courage to be so bold. Once they were sufficiently out of the way, your hand ran smoothly up and down my leg. You glanced down, then back at me with a small smile. _"'Ma serannas._ " 

When your hand returned to that place between my legs to manipulate me as before, I was so alight and so keen that..I was stripped of the capacity to _care_ that hips instantly rose up to greet your fingers with unbrokered enthusiasm. Shameless. Shameless of me.

Your lips traveled to my ear and once again you asked my permission before subjecting me to a strange and alien thing. "May I put my fingers inside?"

"Inside?" I echoed lowly.

You pulled back and turned your head to consider the way your hand cupped my mound. I took the smallest sip of air when you then squeezed it ever-so-gently. "Here." you clarified patiently. Patiently. Patiently.

My brow furrowed. "W-Why?"

My innocent question sparked another flash in your eyes. Brightened for my expressed desire to know. _Hahren_ , giver of knowledge for the sake of knowledge. "There is a special spot inside women of all races that grants them immense pleasure when properly stimulated. The Dalish call it _daneralan_. I wish to give you the opportunity to experience that pleasure I have promised you."

You kissed the perimeter of my jaw as I took a moment to absorb this information. _Daneralan_. 'Little pleasure place'. It existed inside me? Inside all women? I had never heard of this before, and quietly told you as much. 

"It is not typically something that maidens learn, not until they take lovers." You said smoothly, and I don't think you realized the severity of your words. Lover. We were lovers. That's what you meant, right? You _said_. Why would you say that if we -- 

You would not lie to me about something as important and personal to me as this, but.."W-Will it hurt?" 

Kiss. Kiss. Heavy like clotted cream and nightfall. "It shouldn't, not with how wet you are." 

"S-Sorry.."

A short huff of amused exasperation. My bottom lip was traced with a dexterous thumb. "That was not meant to be an insult, my love."

I swallowed. I was trying my best not to think about how my body was behaving. You had helped me succeed in that endeavor, so far. For the most part.

Another kiss. "Only if you will allow me."

You would not lie about this. About any of this. So I nodded and put my trust in you as I've done this whole time.

My moan buzzed in your mouth when you eventually slipped one inside of me. The middle finger, by the feel of the others that were curled against your palm. I tensed on instinct but you had told the truth. It didn't hurt. But it was still so strange. "Mmm.." Slowly. Slowly. "Mm.." 

Teeth caught my lower lip, tugged lightly. Finger stopped. And then retreated the way it came. Slowly. Slowly. And then pushed in. And then pulled out. And then in, and then out. Still, nothing hurt. Something almost pleasant could be ascribed to what you were doing. Almost.

With my silent assent, a second finger joined in just as effortlessly. The brushing of the edge of your palm along my inner thighs revealed that they were now spattered with wetness. You received no initial semblance of protest from me and or my body, and so continued to push the same as before until your palm would allow you to go no further.

Another pained groan from you when my body contracted reflexively to better accommodate. " _Fenedhis_." You cursed, squinting. "So hot..so tight." Your admiration had been tinged with bitterness. You regretted making the promise not to go further with me than that. I know. I wish I had been brave enough to encourage you otherwise. 

My interaction with humans has inevitably exposed me to some snatches of dialogue regarding their sexual habits. Our soldiers who retire to the tavern discuss the "tightness" of women. Of course I excuse myself from their presence. I don't feel comfortable bearing witness to such embarrassing things, even if the women in question, who are often the bar maids or lovers back home, appear accepting of this sort of ribaldry. Their tones also suggested it was a virtue. Do you believe the same as they do? 

When your fingers curled and pressed into a certain ridge in my center, I gasped loudly as a zing of pleasure emanated like static. "There." you breathed in satisfaction against my cheek. "I have found it." Smugness. Was it supposed to be harder to find?

I had no time to ask because when you suddenly pulled your hand back, I shuddered and whimpered as the pads of your fingers dragged heavily against the part of me we could not behold except through touch: I was soft. I was wet. I was swollen. 

Your arm around me squeezed. You then slid them back in, and then out and in, and then out and in and out until direction became meaningless, until my mind was devolving into nothing but a sponge fervent in its need for more.

More. More. More. More. More. More. More. More.

"M-More," I pleaded, and I had enough sense to regret it as soon as the request left my lips. To ask for such a thing when you had already indulged such greed and conceit within me. Even so, my throat tightened at the possibility that you might stop. Oh gods, I would die if you stopped then. I would die, just die. I had to tell you, I had to continue to be selfish and shameless to prevent myself from suffering. My body trembled, my hands scrambled to latch onto anything and everything that might save me: Your arm. The pillow. The bedspread. Empty air. "M-more, please..Solas, p-please. Please do-don't sto-o-p.." 

"Shh shh." Another heavy kiss before you located my ear and began to spill hurried reassurances into it. "I won't, I won't. Trust me, I won't. Shh, my love, shh." You mirrored your promise in earnest, quickly setting a steady, pleasurable rhythm that filled the room with the sloppy sounds you were making against my folds, uninhibited by thighs with the way they had come to fall open in order to better invite cool air and better means of access. The way your palm sent light shocks to my clit as it lightly slapped against my mound with a trusted repetition.

More than that, there was something inside me that you were brushing against. You seemed to know where to look for it and you were focusing all your attentions on making sure your fingers were passing against it with every thrust. My head had fallen back onto the pillow. Chin tilted up, I had begun to alternate between gasps and wordless pleas. "H-haah..Aah..aah! Aanh.."

"Beautiful." I recall you murmuring that against my throat at some point. I don't know how I could have possibly heard: I was breathing so hard, my blood was pounding so loudly in my ears. "You are so beautiful. My beautiful—my most _precious_.." Your voice died, then, and I found myself wondering why, and why had your last word carried such a note of guilt? I could not answer because then I was assaulted by renewed enthusiasm that wiped everything clear from my head. " _Ar lath, 'ma vhen'an. Lathan na_.. Deeply, truly..."

And all the while, this whole time, something was building. Something I instinctively knew I wanted to reach, something that whispered promises of _good_. But what was it? What were you searching for within me?

My legs were shaking, I was shaking. Quaking. So close. I was so close, so close, so close to- "Ah! Solas - Solas-it's - I'm -"

" _Garas_." you commanded before your teeth gently clamped down on the point where my shoulder and neck connected, pressing hard and firm on my clit with your thumb for emphasis.

My back bowed and I gasped. One second there was nothing, absolutely nothing, and the next I was wailing as I was barraged by a tidal wave of pure ecstasy. Heat that wasn't heat but bloomed throughout me like a spring flower, or the rays of the sun.

Everything was blown from my mind, everything. My name, where we were, _what_ we were. All that existed was the internal rhythm that squeezed tightly around your fluttering fingers. Shockwaves of bliss. The pounding within my head and heart. Your strong lean frame. Your scent enveloping me like the musk of a pelt. 

It was too much, this bliss, and I made it well known to you with my body's mindless efforts in rejecting any further means of stimulation with the senseless jerking of my hips to loosen your hand from my private place with the same determination as it had wanting to meet it only seconds ago.

"Mm, n-no.." I croaked. "T-too m-mu-mmm! Mnn!"

"Easy, easy.." came your soft voice. To my relief, your hand stayed itself. 

My chin was turned. "Look at me, love." I focused on your face. I was still not quite there, could not make sense of anything but its perfection. Safe, came a soft echo, you were safe. Tender mouth confirmed it. In the meantime all I could do was struggle to loose choked moans from my chest as my body rolled with each ecstatic twinge.

"Aahn!..Hoh!..Hah..Hah..nnm.."

"That's it..that's it.." you coaxed, "let it take you where it will. Breathe. Breathe."

That part was difficult to remember at first, but as the tides began to settle, a warmth, a boneless fuzziness settled in. All of a sudden I was overcome by such absolute _love love love love love love love_ for you to remain with me this way for eternity.

Meld together so we could never be parted as we inevitably would in the morning.

My hands tightened their hold on your tunic. I would not allow you to leave my chambers tonight. I couldn't bear it. Not after I was spilling with such need for you. 

You remained still as you waited out my body's need to reestablish equilibrium within itself. Your chest barely moved.

A kiss on my forehead when you eventually slipped your fingers out of me. My hips bucked instinctively at the loss. "Easy..." A beat of silence as I caught my breath, then: " _Ma serannas, 'ma vhen'an_."

A kiss on my lips as you wiped my thighs clean with a rag materialized out of nowhere, then: "You did so well, my love. So well."

A kiss on each heavy eyelid after you swiftly prepared me for bed--clothes shed for nightwear, body slipped under warm blankets, cup of water placed conveniently on bedside table, then: "You look the very image of satisfaction."

I allowed this all to happen as I basked in the glow of what had just transpired. Perhaps it was selfish, but there was no room to think, to second-guess, to worry about anyone or anything.

Nothing but..

"Solas.."

Your voice was again so quiet and you were already kissing my face all over once more. "What do you need of me, what is it?"

I cracked open an eye and trained it on you. My hand reached up to stroke along your cheekbone. You returned the faint smile I somehow managed to make, and oh, oh your eyes..there was such quiet adoration. Of me. Like Mother.

"Stay here..with, with me." I glanced away, wincing at my directness. Force of habit. "Please."

Your soft laugh wrapped around me like a blanket. Secure. Safe.

"I will. You needn't ever ask."

Then, what would become a worn, useless epithet in time: "I love you, Solas. _A-Ar lath_."

You peered down at me with eyes fashioned from immovable gray marble. Such severity. I would have welcomed the opportunity for it to pierce me in place, punishment for future sin.

But in that same grain of sand, I found Mother's eyes made of overcast clouds _promising_ to quietly blot out all light from the world and preserve me in dreary peace. There was an Antivan word Josephine taught me that translated to 'loving-kindness'. I forgot what it was, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

"I love you, Tallin Lavellan. Always."

Do you remember those words?

My head was guided to your chest and you laughed again when I nestled myself as close to you as possible, uncharacteristically eager. A small smile dared to grace my face.

"Always." You repeated. You promised. You promised. You promised.

The odd necklace you wore, the jawbone of some creature with fangs, stuck between our chests. Hard, like what continued to press against the inside of your breeches and my leg. You pretended it didn't exist, and so I did the same.

I fell asleep while you murmured repeated praises of me in my hair. Some of them Common, some Elvhen. But you used words I had never heard of, words that barely resembled the speech of my people. Old and archaic, it felt like.

If I were to approach you now, would you tell me what they meant?

**Author's Note:**

> Can you tell I'm a huge fan of italicizing words? For _EMPHASIS_? To be fair, I mentally emphasize words myself.
> 
> Can you also tell I don't know what I'm doing when it comes to describing non-verbal shit? Shit's hard, fams.
> 
> Also, I hope y'all don't get offended by how Lavellan views sex. She doesn't have a problem with OTHER people having sex, she's simply afraid of being slut-shamed or thought less of for being interested in it. Of course Solas--or anyone else in the game--has never shown or voiced specific disapproval of the canoodling that occurs among the characters because of the sex itself, only concerns of how gossip will spread about it (or that it's going to interfere with BIG EUGENIC PLANS *glares at Tevinter*), but you know how anxiety is...
> 
> Also, I know Lavellan's narration is some pretentious-ass shit but in her defense she doesn't know what Tumblr is.
> 
> I also tagged this as mildly dubious consent, just in case.
> 
> Also-Also! Refresher of Elvhen for the kids in the back, with frequent help taken from [Project Elvhen](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3553883/chapters/7825850).  
> \-----------------------------  
> [ _Da'len_ ]: "Little one", "child", used by elders to refer to much younger individuals. lit. "Little+Person"
> 
> [ _Hahren_ ]: "Elder"
> 
> [ _Vhen'an_ ]: Lit. "home", but it also used symbolically to mean "heart". An important endearment between lovers and very close individuals
> 
> [ _Ar lath, 'ma vhen'an_ ]: A (very) moving declaration of love. Lit. translated "I [am] love, my home/heart", but is taken to mean "I love you, you are my home" + "I love you, you are my heart."
> 
> [ _Lathan na_ ]: An alternative form of "I love you". Lit. "Love you".
> 
> [ _Garas_ ]: "Come" (verb).
> 
> [ _Ma Serannas_ ]: "Thank you".
> 
> [ _Daneralan_ ]: Female G-Spot. Lit. "Little pleasure place".


End file.
